“I don’t regret having my eating disorder”

Walking into the guidance office, my mind was blinded by fear. Fear of people seeing me; fear that I actually had a problem; fear of change. With my best friend over my shoulder, I fumbled the words out: “I think I might be struggling”.

After a series of difficult conversations, I found myself petrified yet relieved that I didn’t have to hide anymore. After my evaluation and my decision, I was admitted into a residential program for treatment. While treatment was painfully re-evaluating my life and struggling through meals, it was also learning and finding friends in people who knew what I was going through. I didn’t hate residential treatment but it’s nothing I would strive to go back to. Upon returning to school, I worked with adjustment counselors and paced myself through most of what I had missed.

Years ago, back when I believed in perfection and the stigma around mental health, I would have looked at someone like myself with fear and discomfort. I used to think that people who struggled with mental illness were dangerous and therapy was reserved for the weak/ dramatic. As people, I believe we learn to fear what we don’t know. Going through this process of healing, I not only learned so much more about myself but also about those around me.

I don’t regret having my eating disorder. I mean I certainly wouldn’t choose to have one but the strength I got from pushing myself through recovery made me the person I am today. Through recovery, I rebuilt my identity-- this time accepting everything I used to push back-- my bisexuality, my rocky family situation, my experience with an eating disorder. I still have so much to learn and recovery has given me the room to go after that. However, without it, I’m not sure how I would come to understand the experiences of those who struggle with mental health.

That is why I believe it is vital that we read! And share! I couldn’t possibly sum up this experience in a couple of paragraphs, but it can be closer to understanding after listening to talks and reading books on the experiences of those who have worked through what I have. Thank you for hearing my story and I send so much love.

~Story shared by Taylor M. Follow her along on IG here!