Anxiety: A Hidden Battle — What I’ve Learned This Year About Managing My Anxiety
A silent attacker; ready to pounce on me unexpectedly. It lives within me, engulfing every muscle and bone of my body. It lives behind my ribs, locked up. But sometimes it bursts right through me until it spills out, flooding my chest and oozing over every surface of me, sending chills throughout.
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It’s everywhere, all at once, as omnipresent as air, yet I find no air to breathe. I gasp and cry out for air, choking on myself.
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Anxiety attacks are one of the most intense feelings. They are like waves of fear and heaviness crashing over me, pushing on my chest, taking my breath away; they leave me dizzy, overwhelmed and scared. Why is my body attacking me, leaving me lost in this perpetual cycle of fear and hopelessness?
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They come and go, out of the blue, but sometimes for days on end. And they can feel like they will never stop. Anxiety likes to creep up on me; I could be relaxed reading a book or doing some yoga or watching a movie with my sister or even sleeping. It’s like one moment everything is fine, and the next you literally feel out of control, gulping for air and crying for help. Heart racing miles an hour, palms sweating, legs shaking, arms tingling; I sink deeper and deeper into an empty void. It’s blurry all around me.
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Trying to describe anxiety is so hard. I’ve been wanting to, but like, how do you capture an experience so overwhelming and so confusing into words? The worst anxiety attacks make me feel like I’m literally dying—like my body is shutting down, and there’s no way out.
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My anxiety comes from the middle of nowhere, ambushing the moment. It comes in waves, too. Sometimes it’s tumultuous and claustrophobic, demanding so much from me. And other days it’s a creepy stalker, hiding somewhere close by, yet I feel its unwanted presence.
I’ve lived with anxiety for years, but nothing prepared me for what I faced this past year. Grieving while already carrying the weight of chronic anxiety is a whole different level—it felt like the pressure of it all could crush me at any moment.
This past year, my health anxiety hit an all-time high. I was overwhelmed by a constant barrage of scary, bizarre, and frustrating symptoms… there were times I honestly didn’t know how to keep going. Living in a perpetual state of fear, with my nervous system on the edge and emotional breakdowns piling up, it felt like I was just barely holding it all together.
Symptom Symphony
In the quiet hours, a whisper begins,
A tickle, a pang, where worry now spins.
Is it nothing at all, or a sign of despair?
Each symptom a shadow, a weight I must bear.A fluttering heartbeat, a breath out of sync,
Thoughts spiral wildly, I teeter on the brink.
What if it’s serious? What if it’s dire?
In this web of my fears, I dance with the fire.A headache, a tremor, a chill down my spine,
Each ache a reminder, a warning sign.
A thousand scenarios parade through my head,
In the theater of “what-ifs,” I’m tethered to dread.The doctor’s soft words, though calming they seem,
Can’t silence the chaos that haunts every dream.
I chase every symptom, from head to my toes,
In a relentless pursuit of the fears that I pose.Oh, to find peace in this turbulent sea,
To quiet the voices that echo in me.
Yet here I remain, in this storm of my mind,
Bound by the tension that health fears entwined.But in the depths of this ceaseless despair,
I seek out the light, the courage to care.
With each passing moment, I’ll learn to let go,
Finding strength in the journey, letting compassion grow.
Anxiety is a vicious cycle. Fear leads to anxiety and anxiety leads to fear. And anxiety leads to symptoms and symptoms lead to anxiety. And fear leads to symptoms and symptoms lead to fear. One symptom leads to the next and then the next, a never-ending cascade of overwhelming physical sensations and emotional suffocation.
I found myself constantly buying health and wellness supplements, tools, and all the latest "bells and whistles," thinking they’d be the magic fix. But before long, financial anxiety hit me like a truck. It felt like no matter what I tried, I just couldn’t get ahead of my anxiety… not yet.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about my anxiety this past year is that I actually have more control over it than I realized. The power of our thoughts is unbelievable—what we tell ourselves shapes our reality. The way we speak to ourselves, especially in moments of panic, has a profound impact. I’ve discovered that even the way I respond to my anxiety can shift its grip on me. It’s not about getting rid of it entirely, but about taking back control, reminding myself that I’m not at the mercy of my thoughts, and choosing to speak back to the fear with more strength and compassion.
One thing my mom always encouraged me to do was focus on the positive "What If's," not the negative ones. My mind has a tendency to automatically jump to the worst-case scenario. I get a headache, and my anxious brain immediately thinks: brain tumor. But flipping the narrative changes everything. Instead of spiraling, I can tell myself: I just have a headache. Maybe it’s allergies, my sinuses, or maybe I just need to eat something. It's all about shifting the perspective and breaking free from the automatic, fearful thoughts.
Something else I learned? Many “wellness tools” are FREE! Can you believe that? These simple habits and practices are FREE and don’t require much beyond a little time and attention. Here are some holistic wellness habits that I’m committed to continuing and deepening as I move into 2025.
1. Getting Outside in Nature
Nature has a calming effect on my mind, helping to reduce stress and anxiety. Fresh air and the sights and sounds of nature can improve mood and lower cortisol levels. I just LOVE being outside. ☀️😌
2. Sunlight First Thing in the Morning
Morning sunlight helps regulate your circadian rhythm, improve mood, and reset your internal clock, which can promote better sleep and reduce anxiety. My morning walks are my favorite part of the morning!
3. Deep Breathing Exercises
Deep, slow breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping to lower heart rate and calm the mind. I am working on doing this more, especially before I eat and sleep.
4. Grounding (Earthing)
Physically connecting with the earth can help reduce inflammation, stress, and anxiety by restoring the body’s natural electrical balance. I have not yet tried this, but I definitely plan to come springtime!
5. Journaling
Writing down your thoughts can help process emotions and reduce anxiety by clearing your mind and putting things into perspective. I love myself a good journaling session.
6. No Screens 1-2 Hours Before Bed
Reducing screen time before bed helps promote better sleep by reducing blue light exposure, which can interfere with melatonin production and disrupt your sleep cycle.
7. Meditation
Meditation promotes relaxation, mindfulness, and emotional resilience. It can lower anxiety levels and help you stay present in the moment.
8. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)
Tensing and then relaxing muscle groups helps release physical tension in the body, which can alleviate stress and anxiety.
9. Drinking Water (Hydration)
Dehydration can increase feelings of anxiety, irritability, and fatigue. Staying hydrated supports your body and mind in functioning optimally.
10. Stretching or Yoga
Gentle stretching or yoga promotes relaxation, improves flexibility, and reduces muscle tension, which can lower anxiety. I do some yoga every morning, even just 5 minutes!
11. Mindful Walking
Walking can be meditative and helps release pent-up energy, which may be contributing to anxiety. It also gives you a chance to reconnect with the present moment. Walking is literally my favorite form of physical activity 😎
12. Visualization or Guided Imagery
Visualizing peaceful scenes or calming places can help reduce stress and anxiety by redirecting your focus and activating a sense of calm.
13. Listening to Calming Music or Nature Sounds
Music and sounds like rain, ocean waves, or birds chirping have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety and promote relaxation. I really love Brain.fm!
14. Practicing Gratitude
Focusing on the positives in your life can shift your mindset and help counter negative, anxious thoughts. I write in my gratitude journal every day! I love how there’s a space for morning and evening reflections.
15. Disconnecting from Social Media
Social media can contribute to stress and anxiety, especially when we compare ourselves to others or consume too much news. Taking a break helps reset your mental space. Read my blog post on how I am learning to navigate my relationship with social media.
Restless panicking
Sending shivers throughout me
I’ll breathe through the storm
I am still navigating the highs and lows of my anxiety—it is a continual process of growth and discovery. This year was tough, like really tough, yet I learned so much about the mind-body connection. Our mind is such a vibrational force, and our body is full of strength, resilience, and vitality. Yet we need to nurture and nourish both to illuminate just how amazing our bodies are. This year, I kept thinking my body was fighting against me. I kept thinking I would never heal and I would never be “normal” again. And that’s just it. My mind was convincing me that I wouldn’t get better. The mind is powerful—like a relentless force that can either lift us or weigh us down, shaping our reality with every thought. It can create our limits, or it can break them down. Your thoughts do have power, and you have control over them. I think if there’s one thing all my anxiety has taught me this year, it’s that I do have power over it. I’ve learned that while anxiety might always be a part of me, it doesn’t define me. I don’t need to give it the power to dictate my life anymore. I am not powerless in this fight. I can change my perspective, reclaim my energy, and heal at my own pace. It’s not about erasing the anxiety—it’s about learning how to live with it, how to make peace with it, and how to take back control one thought at a time. ✨
