“I have felt many times that my home is a toxic place”
I turn around, and there she is. Another woman in my family talking about her plastic surgery. We may all have different beliefs regarding this issue, but, personally, plastic surgery is just another way of not respecting the body you are in, and I don’t see it any other way, so when my mother said “I have to talk to you about something important,” I never thought her next words would be “your father and I are considering plastic surgery for myself.” It was just a punch, a stab in my heart, even though she isn’t technically doing any harm to both herself and me, but it felt that way.
I left. I told her I did not support that idea, ran to my room, and cried. I’ve struggled with my body image for years, and for her to tell me she was considering plastic surgery was one of the many ways she was telling me that society was right. Right that only thin and tummy-tucked women are worthy and beautiful. Right that no man would ever love a woman that had defects. Right that society is just a money-sucking industry. That’s the truth: that the diet-culture industry has shaped many minds like my mother’s and my other family members into believing their worth is dictated by their appearance.
It’s a challenge. To see all my family members walk in through the door and the first thing anyone says is “wow, you look good.” As if the surgery was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to them, as if the surgery made them more worthy, as if the surgery was the most interesting thing that happened to them. At the time, this seems true, true that women with cosmetic surgeries will feel more empowered and grasping everyone’s attention. But, like I mentioned, the only way I see this is as a way of giving-in to societal beliefs, giving-in to worthiness being based on appearance, giving-in to the idea that respecting someone’s body is not important.
But it is! Respecting the body you are in is even more important than actually loving it. I, for one, don’t love my body, at least not yet, but I respect it. Respect that it is so strong and powerful. Respect that it’s striving to survive. Respect that it has defects, scars, a story. I respect it, and it is so hard for me to be in a home where the opposite is endorsed, but it is not impossible.
After this incident happened, my mother came up to me and asked me “do you love your body?” I quickly responded with a “no” and she proceeded to say “at your age, teenagers are not worried about their bodies, what to eat, and whether you should exercise or not.” But some are. Some have mental illnesses where they feel at a loss. Some have no control and, despite actually wanting to recover, can’t. I have felt many times that my home is a toxic place, but I have been striving for full recovery with the mental illness I carry. It is so incredibly difficult to hear “I can’t eat X because I’ll gain weight” while trying to eat my foods without guilt. I know it is so incredibly difficult, and I am saying you are not alone. The disordered behaviors I am conquering and fighting are being endorsed in my home, but I am working towards full recovery.
I am currently challenging myself to one fear food a day, or trying something new every day, doesn’t even have to be food-related. Doing this has made me a happier person, and I have noticed it. Yes, recovery isn’t linear and I do not want to depict my life as perfect now, but despite the societal pressures, and my family’s, I am conquering, facing fears, challenging my disordered voice, and working towards a life that is worth living - the life I have always envisioned for myself.
Stay strong. And I send you, dearly, so much love and support, because I know that you want to live a life worth living, one where counting and measuring isn’t an issue, and although it may feel like you are at a loss right now, have hope, that this tough situation will get better!
Story shared by Valeria V. Follow her along on IG here!
