“My struggles were evident on the outside. But not everyone’s are.”

I was probably the last person anyone would have expected to develop an eating disorder. I was that skinny kid with a lightning fast metabolism who could eat everything in sight and still not gain an ounce. I was outgoing, carefree, and pretty popular at school. I was making progress in gymnastics and finding other things I loved. 

But somehow, it still happened. I fell down the rabbit hole. Like many people, it started off with your garden variety diet. I knew I was slim, and my metabolism was fast, but I was no longer skinny like I’d been when I was younger, and I was afraid everything I was eating would catch up to me. 

So I downloaded an app and started making little adjustments. I swapped the soft pretzels and the sugary strawberry applesauce in my normal school lunch for carrots & celery. Instead of sitting down to watch TV with some ice cream after school, I’d spend an hour on the trampoline. My normal breakfast of Pop Tarts was eliminated in favor of peanut butter & banana toast.

Things quickly went from healthy to obsessive. I stopped buying lunch altogether and instead packed sad meals from my “low calorie lunches” Pinterest board. The hour on the trampoline became three hours of workouts. The peanut butter & banana toast was now an English muffin with jam.

Still, on the outside, these habits seemed healthy. It wasn’t like I stopped eating or even restricted severely. I was known as the “healthy one”, and I liked it. Until one day, people noticed I was getting too skinny. But I often wonder - what if I wasn’t thin to begin with? Would my habits have gone unnoticed? Would I have ever gotten help, or would I still be dealing with this today?

I see many of the habits I adopted during my eating disorder receive praise in others. Exercising excessively & restricting food are often seen as willpower. And of course, not every case of this is someone struggling with an eating disorder. Some people are losing weight for their health. But having seen the other side, I can’t help but wonder how many of these people being applauded for their healthy lifestyle are mentally healthy, too.

My struggles were evident on the outside. But not everyone’s are. Eating disorders are deceptive, and a vast percentage of sufferers are not underweight. Weight stigma prevents so many people from getting the help they need. 

My message here is to check in on those around you. That person who seems so happy, healthy, and put together may be suffering on the inside. And my story is proof that anyone can develop a mental illness, even those you’d least expect. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you sense something may be wrong. This doesn’t just apply to eating disorders, but for any sort of mental health condition. It’s so common for people to fake a smile that no one detects until it’s too late. Be there for your friends, and remember that you never know what’s really going on inside someone’s head.

Story shared by Hailey S. Follow her along on IG here!