Dear Dalia
Dear Dalia,
I can hardly believe it’s almost been two years since you passed. Sometimes, it still feels like it just happened, and other times, it feels like it’s been much longer. There’s this strange gap between the days—like you should be here, but you’re not, and yet, in some ways, it still feels like you’re with me. I guess that’s how grief works, huh? A mix of absence and presence all at once.
I want you to know just how much you meant to me. Even though we only had a few years to truly get to know each other, it always felt like I’d known you my whole life. I wish we had become friends sooner, but I’m so grateful for the time we did have together. It may not have been many years, but it was rich in ways I’ll always cherish. No one will ever replace you.
I want to tell you that, because you touched my life in so many ways and were one of my best friends, losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to grapple with. Grief has been a painstaking process, and my anxiety has been at an all-time high. Your leaving wasn’t just overwhelming and saddening—it also made me afraid of life itself. It sent me spiraling deeper into anxiety, and I became consumed with fear. I was scared of living life to its fullest. I was scared of… everything. My anxiety took hold of me in ways I never expected.
Some things have gotten better, and I’ve had moments of real growth, but it hasn’t been easy. I still catch myself wanting to pick up the phone to FaceTime you, to share something silly or exciting. And then I remember… I can’t. But I’ve been carrying you with me in the little things. The way I laugh at something that would’ve cracked us up. The way I still make myself do pull-ups at the end of my climbing session, because I know how much you loved pull-ups and challenging ourselves. Even whenever I eat my Fage yogurt, I know that you’re enjoying it with me up there–yup, you loved your Fage yogurt…but I still stand that my full fat Greek yogurt is superior to your 0% Greek yogurt haha
I wish we had more time together–I wish we had many more YEARS together like we talked about. I wish we could have grown old together, as grandmas–or even great-grandmas. I wish we could have gone camping more together. I wish we could have visited the national parks together. I wish we could have gone on so many climbing and outdoor adventure trips together. I wish we could have traveled internationally together. I wish we could do another lake walk together…
I walked by myself around the lake yesterday for the first time ever…since you passed…yes, I’ve been many times since, but always with another friend or group. However, no lake walk will ever be like how it was with you and me.
There’s so much I never got to say. But maybe you already knew. I want you to know that I miss you deeply. I miss our climbing sessions, our weekend lake walks, the comfort of your presence, and the way you always seemed to know exactly how to make me feel seen and heard. The wisdom and comfort you gave me are things I’ll always carry with me. You taught me so much about kindness, about living fully, about finding joy in the simple things.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what you’d want me to know now. You always had this way of helping me see the bigger picture, even when things felt hard. And so, I want you to know that I’m trying. I’m trying to keep growing, to honor your memory, and to carry forward all the lessons you taught me. I think of you every day, and you’re always in my heart.
When I think of you, I think of courage, fearlessness, bravery, and your contagious adventurous spirit. You inspired me in ways I can’t even fully put into words. I want you to know that I’ve been working hard on my anxieties, and whenever I push through them, I think of you.
And guess what?
I’ve gotten so much more comfortable driving—both at night and on the freeway.
I’m eating better now, with a much more varied and diverse diet.
I’m not chickening out as much on lead—I’m getting better!
I’m back on stage, performing again, and theater has brought me so, so much joy. The recent production I did, Fiddler on the Roof, reminded me SO MUCH of you. I dedicate that show to you. I wish you could have seen it; you would have LOVED it.
It took me almost two years, since you left us, to realize something. This is not how the Dalia I knew and loved would want me to live my life. You were the go-getter! You were full of adventure, full of life, and you always knew what you wanted! Yes, I know you struggled with anxiety, just like I do, but to me, you were fearless. You didn’t let anything stop you. You went for it, no matter what. And I need to start living my life the way you would want us to—embracing every opportunity, pushing through the fear, and making the most of every moment, just like you did.
Thank you for being the incredible person you were. You must know that you brought so much joy and impact to everyone around you, not just me. I’m so grateful to have had you in my life. And though I wish you were here, I’m holding onto the love and the light you gave me, and I always will.
Love you always,
Gelsey
